The Germinator

Today Sam told me a great name for this period in time would be "The Germinator" and I couldn't help but laugh. The boy is not wrong.

Currently our life is overrun by a invisible germ and I am exhausted. This year my children were supposed to all be in public school and I was going to start the process of going back to work. After almost seventeen years as a stay at home parent, I was ready to be someone besides Michael's wife or Insert-Kid-Name's mom. I was looking forward to being known as myself and not part of a family unit. Instead this year I am helping three kids with online school. They are mostly independent, but the math, the math, I tell you. It turns out I do have a use for the math I learned my junior year of high school: I'm using it to help my 10th grader understand her math. I guess my math teacher was right after all. It did turn out to be useful.

I'm also homeschooling Sam this year. It seemed easier than the on-again-off-again nature I assumed this school year was going to be. So far I have not been wrong.

In all honesty, I am so very tired. I'm tired of COVID, I'm tired of remembering my mask and using bottles of hand sanitizer. I'm tired of having all the kids doing online school. I'm tired of being told they might go back, or might not. I'm tired of not attending church since the middle of March and I'm tired of being told that we are going back. I'm tired of feeling like a yo-yo. Up and down and all around. I'm tired of scientific experts saying one thing and politicians saying another. I'm tired of this being a political fight when really it's a disease we need to fight, not each other. It shouldn't matter what party you support when it comes to protecting our most vulnerable citizens. 

When this disease first started spreading I didn't understand. I thought it was on par with the common flu. Now that 200,000 Americans have died and almost 500 Idahoans, I realize I was wrong. This thing is nasty. It's currently the 3rd leading cause of death in the United States. So, yeah, I'm tired of wearing a mask, and avoiding crowds, and turning down invitations (and I know that has hurt some feelings). I'm tired of all my kids schooling at home. I'm tired of not seeing friends and family. I'm tired of being made to feel guilty about my desire to protect others.

This disease has taken my chance for employment, my free time, my kids preferred schooling and with that my sanity, my social life and my energy, and now it looks like my traditional holidays. And yet I keep on masking up and avoiding groups of more than 10, per current local recommendations. I wash my hands when I get home and keep hand sanitizer in my van. My kids are avoiding athletics and group activities. And we will keep on going, even though we feel a little crazy. We keep trying because we can come back from crazy. We will eventually be able to shake hands and cuddle babies again. We cannot bring back the dead or reverse heart inflammations. We cannot give back the lives of the elderly who should have had a few more years, or in some cases the young and healthy. We cannot give back the health of all those who will suffer long term from this disease. I'm giving up a lot, we all are, but I'm providing safety for others. The trade off doesn't seem that big. 

I am tired, but I am healthy. My kids are healthy. My family is healthy. I will do everything in my power to keep it that way.