Lights in the Dark

There is no way around it. The last year and half have been ugly, mean, and unfathomable. Our family struggled with COVID-19 restrictions and school at home. It led to much fighting and tears. It led to my inability to seek employment, due to being needed at  home. It led to half the family being on anti-depressants, just trying to power through the mess. February rolled around and with it, a little bit of hope. Michael, Ethan and I were able to get vaccinated. School started up full time for the kids, as long as they were masked. We started to see the clouds breaking. Then Heidi got diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer in March, and life got uglier. The clouds rolled back in, and they blocked out everything else. The kids managed to finish the school year as I ferried Heidi to and from appointments. As summer rolled in, we canceled vacation plans, and let our life revolve around Heidi's care. We did this willingly and whole-heartedly. That doesn't mean it wasn't still hard, especially for my kids. They spent a lot of time home alone, with not a lot going on. I spent a lot of time with Heidi and at doctor's offices. It was not our dreamed-of after-COVID-19 summer. 

Despite all our dedication, we could not stop the march of cancer and we lost Heidi on July 19. Now we were dealing with deep sorrow, broken hearts, and the details of end of life. To add another wrinkle, I had surgery to have my own ovaries and uterus removed on August 9. So now I'm moving slowly, but recovering pretty quickly. And that brings us to now. Friday, August 13. And summer's over. The kids all start school on Monday. I continue to deal with Heidi's retirement, insurance, estate, etc. The hard and ugly doesn't seem to be letting up. We are all shattered and not sure how to put ourselves back together enough to function. 

We have had sparks of light, though, and I feel like I will probably forget them in our current haze. So I want to record them. There are stars shining through the clouds.

Pricks of light, in no particular order:

My family is amazing. Baldness hit us all at once, even the adult nieces (not pictured). We are not perfect, and we are crazy, but when it came down to the important things, everyone showed up. Everyone helped. Everyone loved on Heidi with fervor and determination. We did a dang amazing job taking care of Heidi. She expressed many times she felt loved and taken care of.  I'm thankful for that.

I'm thankful we are still watching this kid. Even if he eats all my strawberries and raspberries. I am grateful he will be joined by a little brother in a month. I have loved dealing with the immediate needs of a little one. He lives in an immediate space, and it helps my brain to have to join him.

Good friends have kept an eye on us, invited us over, offered to run kids around, and do anything to help. They also understood when I just couldn't deal with people and just offered love. I have some pretty awesome friends I didn't even realize I had.

We didn't manage a big vacation, but we did manage a couple days in McCall. What a love affair we have with this town. I have of course given up getting a good picture of more than one child at a time.

We found the motherload of huckleberries (and mosquitoes). There are even a few still in my freezer that I am hoarding. I think we are going to need a little taste of summer soon.

My kids have continued to grow, have birthdays, and just get more amazing. Sam requested an anti-gravity cake for his birthday and was quite happy with the results. I'm thankful he has pretty straight forward tastes.

My garden has continued to grow. I go out in the morning to pick the day's produce and I go out in the evening to find a little peace. All the plants, just fulfilling the measure of their creation, calms me. My plants bring me joy, a little food, and a peaceful place.

Despite all the turmoil, the kids have continued to grow. Ethan is tanned from being a life guard, Libby is getting even better at guitar, and Grace and Sam are so happy to see friends this summer. They persist in growing, just like my garden, and I am so grateful. 

I am thankful for the balm from the small things, in the midst of the big ugly things.