Sugar Rush

Sometimes you just need to make caramel apples. And eat caramel apples.

And invite a couple cousins over to help.

And sometimes you make the biggest mess imaginable.

And it's all okay. Cause then we get to eat caramel apples. Even if the caramel was overcooked and soldered jaws together. It still tasted yummy and we enjoyed ourselves.

Return of the Fair

I finally got a new phone. Now I have to learn how to use it. Or in other words, sorry the pictures are weird.

The fair rolled around and Grace was desperate to enter...something. There was no fair last year, and she was still sad, as we always enter things in the fair. This year I felt overwhelmed with the idea of dealing with one more thing. It seemed like a needless complication. It also felt like a "normal" thing to do. We also need a little bit more normal. So I consented to helping children get fair entries ready. 

The kids went through the fair entry form to see what categories they wanted to enter items in. Ethan decided not to enter anything this year, Sam decided to enter five items, Libby decided to enter three, and Grace decided to enter everything.

After a lot of prep, digging through the house to find their entries, and completely destroying the kitchen, the kids got all their entries ready and I dropped them off at the fair (the kids were already back in school). 

We were able to attend the fair a few days later to see how they placed.

Sam's "Sad Fish" won a blue ribbon!

His "King of Wolves" got third place.

His poem got fourth.

Alas, his painting and cut flowers didn't place.

Grace got a blue ribbon for her decorated cookies. They looked better before they sat out at the fair for two weeks.

Her sculpy sunflower placed first.

Only one of her photos(the bottom one) placed. It came in 3rd. Photography is a hotly contested category. 

She also entered all the baked goods:

Bar Cookies - 1st

Sugar Cookies - 1st

Gluten Free Cookies - 1st

Banana Bread - 2nd

Peanut Butter Cookies - No ribbon

She also entered some cut flowers that she helped grow. She got first for zinnia's and 2nd for marigolds.

Libby only entered three items. They did not place as well as she wanted them to, but they all placed.

Her sculpy turtle got 3rd place. I love his little smile.

Her gluten free cookies took 2nd and her brownies took 3rd.

Despite not entering anything himself, Ethan pressured me into entering the cross stitch I did this year. I won a blue ribbon in the beginner category! Woo-hoo! I'm choosing to ignore it appeared mine was the only entry in the beginner category.

I also got a blue ribbon for gluten free bar cookies, despite evidence to the contrary. I was listed as first place in the winner's book and I got the prize money. A ribbon was never placed on the cookies at the fair though, so I couldn't bask in the glory. I also got third place for the blackberries I grew.

After we checked on our entries, we went off to explore the fair. The kids were looking forward to rides and I was trying to hide that I was pretty tearful. I wanted them to enjoy themselves but I was pretty sad. Heidi always was heavily involved in the children's fair entries. She helped me mount photos and art work and was always so excited to find out how the kids did. I was so sad not to be able to call her and tell her how everyone placed. After a few tears, though, we got on with enjoying the fair. 

This mostly involved the kids all running one direction while Michael and I went a different direction. The kids wanted to go on fair rides, but they make me very motion sick, so Michael and I just wandered around.

 

We found ice cream, we found butterflies, and Grace and Sam found every wheel that could be spun for a free prize. There are worse ways to spend a day.

Lights in the Dark

There is no way around it. The last year and half have been ugly, mean, and unfathomable. Our family struggled with COVID-19 restrictions and school at home. It led to much fighting and tears. It led to my inability to seek employment, due to being needed at  home. It led to half the family being on anti-depressants, just trying to power through the mess. February rolled around and with it, a little bit of hope. Michael, Ethan and I were able to get vaccinated. School started up full time for the kids, as long as they were masked. We started to see the clouds breaking. Then Heidi got diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer in March, and life got uglier. The clouds rolled back in, and they blocked out everything else. The kids managed to finish the school year as I ferried Heidi to and from appointments. As summer rolled in, we canceled vacation plans, and let our life revolve around Heidi's care. We did this willingly and whole-heartedly. That doesn't mean it wasn't still hard, especially for my kids. They spent a lot of time home alone, with not a lot going on. I spent a lot of time with Heidi and at doctor's offices. It was not our dreamed-of after-COVID-19 summer. 

Despite all our dedication, we could not stop the march of cancer and we lost Heidi on July 19. Now we were dealing with deep sorrow, broken hearts, and the details of end of life. To add another wrinkle, I had surgery to have my own ovaries and uterus removed on August 9. So now I'm moving slowly, but recovering pretty quickly. And that brings us to now. Friday, August 13. And summer's over. The kids all start school on Monday. I continue to deal with Heidi's retirement, insurance, estate, etc. The hard and ugly doesn't seem to be letting up. We are all shattered and not sure how to put ourselves back together enough to function. 

We have had sparks of light, though, and I feel like I will probably forget them in our current haze. So I want to record them. There are stars shining through the clouds.

Pricks of light, in no particular order:

My family is amazing. Baldness hit us all at once, even the adult nieces (not pictured). We are not perfect, and we are crazy, but when it came down to the important things, everyone showed up. Everyone helped. Everyone loved on Heidi with fervor and determination. We did a dang amazing job taking care of Heidi. She expressed many times she felt loved and taken care of.  I'm thankful for that.

I'm thankful we are still watching this kid. Even if he eats all my strawberries and raspberries. I am grateful he will be joined by a little brother in a month. I have loved dealing with the immediate needs of a little one. He lives in an immediate space, and it helps my brain to have to join him.

Good friends have kept an eye on us, invited us over, offered to run kids around, and do anything to help. They also understood when I just couldn't deal with people and just offered love. I have some pretty awesome friends I didn't even realize I had.

We didn't manage a big vacation, but we did manage a couple days in McCall. What a love affair we have with this town. I have of course given up getting a good picture of more than one child at a time.

We found the motherload of huckleberries (and mosquitoes). There are even a few still in my freezer that I am hoarding. I think we are going to need a little taste of summer soon.

My kids have continued to grow, have birthdays, and just get more amazing. Sam requested an anti-gravity cake for his birthday and was quite happy with the results. I'm thankful he has pretty straight forward tastes.

My garden has continued to grow. I go out in the morning to pick the day's produce and I go out in the evening to find a little peace. All the plants, just fulfilling the measure of their creation, calms me. My plants bring me joy, a little food, and a peaceful place.

Despite all the turmoil, the kids have continued to grow. Ethan is tanned from being a life guard, Libby is getting even better at guitar, and Grace and Sam are so happy to see friends this summer. They persist in growing, just like my garden, and I am so grateful. 

I am thankful for the balm from the small things, in the midst of the big ugly things.

Heidi Hawks

 Heidi [redacted] Hawks (she always hated her middle name), 49, passed away peacefully and quietly July 19, 2021, in Boise, Idaho, due to a sucker punch from Stage IV ovarian cancer; surrounded by loved ones in the comfort of her own bed, she left as she lived: on her own terms and with family by her side.

On September 21, 1971, in Weiser, Idaho, a bright light was born into the world to the family of Ellis Lee and Edna Ellen Hawks, née Potts. Heidi was the fourth of eight children and from a young age was a peacemaker and caregiver; she would help everyone with anything.

In 1982, her father took employment at the DeLamar Mine in Owyhee County, and the family moved to Jordan Valley, Oregon. She attended Jordan Valley public schools, graduating from Jordan Valley High in 1990.

Classroom learning was often a challenge for Heidi, which makes her all the more awesome because she overcame those challenges over and over again to earn her bachelor’s degree in childhood development from Boise State University.

For nearly 30 years Heidi taught and worked with infants in the Tadpole classroom at the YMCA Children’s Village in Boise, where she was affectionately known as “Miss Heidi”. It is where her heart truly was. She loved, adored, and cherished every single one of the hundreds of children that came through her classroom. Working there never made her financially wealthy, but the blessings of caring for and teaching those little ones filled her bucket every day. She rarely took a vacation, and when she did, it was pretty much because management told her she had to. Her education, her lifelong learning, her everything went into giving the infants entrusted to her care the best possible start to their lives.

As supported by the dozens of comments we’ve heard since her passing, she also was a mentor and friend to many new and veteran parents, struggling with the challenges of raising an infant. She was a steady, calm, cheerful help to so many people who say she made them better parents, helping her pupils even beyond the walls of her classroom.

Heidi also managed to share so much time, talent, creativity and love with her niblings (nieces and nephews). She hosted the annual “Un-Superbowl Party” where family squeezed into her teeny apartment, ate finger foods she made, and watched Harry Potter movies because she hated football. She also hosted the annual “Christmas Kids Sleepover” where her niblings all stayed an evening and overnight during the Christmas season where they ate loads of sugar and salt, washed it all down with buckets of Chex mix then shared with family and neighbors, helped her decorate her Christmas tree, set up her Nativity collection, and made Christmas crafts while providing the opportunity for her siblings and their spouses to finish their Christmas shopping and gift wrapping.

Heidi was also a devotee of scifi and fantasy genre TV shows and films, owning an impressive collection of them on DVD. She shared this love with her siblings and niblings across many craft projects, Halloweens and costumed parties around the community. She also had the courage to take up belly dancing and bare her belly to the world.

Heidi is survived by two who call her “Daughter”, 6 who call her “Sister”, 5 who call her “Sister-in-Law”, 22 who call her “Aunt”, 4 who call her “Great Aunt”, and hundreds who call her “Miss Heidi”.

Heidi lived a full life of unconditional and selfless giving. She was an unfaltering rock and a light to so many. She is and will be sorely missed by us all.

Services will be held on Monday, July 26 at 11:00am at the Curtis Road Chapel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 701 S Curtis Road, Boise, Idaho. To honor Heidi’s personal commitment to halt the spread of COVID-19, all attendees are asked to wear a mask. If you prefer not attending in person, we invite you to participate in the broadcast here: http://tiny.cc/heidihawks. Interment to follow at Morris Hill Cemetery.

Gertie the Cat

I'm not sure how the kids convinced me we needed a cat. I think my defenses are low right now, and as long as no one is doing drugs and making bad decisions that will affect the rest of their lives, I tend to say yes. Hence a cat. And Sam's blue hair, Ethan's ear piercings, Grace's shaved head, and Libby's plan for a nose ring. But that is not this story. This story is that I said yes to a cat. 

The girls started scouring the humane society listings and found a very sweet cat that only had three legs. Michael is very allergic to cats, but only some cats. We decided to go meet the tripod cat. He was so very, very sweet but also seemed to spike an allergy reaction. The cat next to the one we were looking at was also very sweet. She was also (so they said) part Siamese which tend to be less allergy inducing. She was also very sweet. She was also thirteen years old, overweight, and missing half her teeth. And yet she came home with us. 

Meet Gertie. She is a grumpy old lady who spends most of her day hiding in a little cupboard or under the girls' bedding. It feels like a wild animal sighting when she comes out of her hiding spots. She is sweet and loving, but also very shy.

She loves to snuggle with the girls, but only on their beds, which she has claimed as her territory.

Sam took a nap with her. He finds it grossly unfair that I won't let the cat sleep in his bed. I suggest that Sam may enjoy not dying from allergies more. He does not fully believe me. His allergies have decreased significantly since that first day, but still no sleeping with the cat. Michael also seems to be okay with her allergy-wise, but it might be because she is 3/4 ghost.

A rare double animal sighting. Gertie will only venture out to the couch when the house is very quiet, which isn't often. Here is our old dog and our old cat, a matching pair.