Ba-oon!

This little monkey loves, loves, loves balloons. So on a chilly Saturday morning we wandered down to Ann Morrison Park to see the launch. He was in ba-oon heaven.

I thought this frog was pretty awesome. The dragon head next to it is also pretty rad, although we never saw it actually lift off.

I love this time of year! Watching the balloons float up into the sky makes me feel peaceful, every time. Someday I should probably go up in one.

Sweet, Sweet Sixteen

Party at the park. Never too big for the swings. 

Libby celebrating in style. One curly mop covered by two hats.

All the presents. Her main present is a little stud in her nose. It was her dearest wish.

 Loving the fluffy.

Wanted to make her own cake. Vanilla with lemon curd and homemade raspberry jam. Fabulous.

I cannot believe she is 16 and a junior in high school. She has a driver's permit, babysits for the neighborhood, and is serving on student council. She still abhors math, unfilled ice cube trays, and a messy bedroom. I hope her next year is full of joy!

Sugar Rush

Sometimes you just need to make caramel apples. And eat caramel apples.

And invite a couple cousins over to help.

And sometimes you make the biggest mess imaginable.

And it's all okay. Cause then we get to eat caramel apples. Even if the caramel was overcooked and soldered jaws together. It still tasted yummy and we enjoyed ourselves.

Return of the Fair

I finally got a new phone. Now I have to learn how to use it. Or in other words, sorry the pictures are weird.

The fair rolled around and Grace was desperate to enter...something. There was no fair last year, and she was still sad, as we always enter things in the fair. This year I felt overwhelmed with the idea of dealing with one more thing. It seemed like a needless complication. It also felt like a "normal" thing to do. We also need a little bit more normal. So I consented to helping children get fair entries ready. 

The kids went through the fair entry form to see what categories they wanted to enter items in. Ethan decided not to enter anything this year, Sam decided to enter five items, Libby decided to enter three, and Grace decided to enter everything.

After a lot of prep, digging through the house to find their entries, and completely destroying the kitchen, the kids got all their entries ready and I dropped them off at the fair (the kids were already back in school). 

We were able to attend the fair a few days later to see how they placed.

Sam's "Sad Fish" won a blue ribbon!

His "King of Wolves" got third place.

His poem got fourth.

Alas, his painting and cut flowers didn't place.

Grace got a blue ribbon for her decorated cookies. They looked better before they sat out at the fair for two weeks.

Her sculpy sunflower placed first.

Only one of her photos(the bottom one) placed. It came in 3rd. Photography is a hotly contested category. 

She also entered all the baked goods:

Bar Cookies - 1st

Sugar Cookies - 1st

Gluten Free Cookies - 1st

Banana Bread - 2nd

Peanut Butter Cookies - No ribbon

She also entered some cut flowers that she helped grow. She got first for zinnia's and 2nd for marigolds.

Libby only entered three items. They did not place as well as she wanted them to, but they all placed.

Her sculpy turtle got 3rd place. I love his little smile.

Her gluten free cookies took 2nd and her brownies took 3rd.

Despite not entering anything himself, Ethan pressured me into entering the cross stitch I did this year. I won a blue ribbon in the beginner category! Woo-hoo! I'm choosing to ignore it appeared mine was the only entry in the beginner category.

I also got a blue ribbon for gluten free bar cookies, despite evidence to the contrary. I was listed as first place in the winner's book and I got the prize money. A ribbon was never placed on the cookies at the fair though, so I couldn't bask in the glory. I also got third place for the blackberries I grew.

After we checked on our entries, we went off to explore the fair. The kids were looking forward to rides and I was trying to hide that I was pretty tearful. I wanted them to enjoy themselves but I was pretty sad. Heidi always was heavily involved in the children's fair entries. She helped me mount photos and art work and was always so excited to find out how the kids did. I was so sad not to be able to call her and tell her how everyone placed. After a few tears, though, we got on with enjoying the fair. 

This mostly involved the kids all running one direction while Michael and I went a different direction. The kids wanted to go on fair rides, but they make me very motion sick, so Michael and I just wandered around.

 

We found ice cream, we found butterflies, and Grace and Sam found every wheel that could be spun for a free prize. There are worse ways to spend a day.

Lights in the Dark

There is no way around it. The last year and half have been ugly, mean, and unfathomable. Our family struggled with COVID-19 restrictions and school at home. It led to much fighting and tears. It led to my inability to seek employment, due to being needed at  home. It led to half the family being on anti-depressants, just trying to power through the mess. February rolled around and with it, a little bit of hope. Michael, Ethan and I were able to get vaccinated. School started up full time for the kids, as long as they were masked. We started to see the clouds breaking. Then Heidi got diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer in March, and life got uglier. The clouds rolled back in, and they blocked out everything else. The kids managed to finish the school year as I ferried Heidi to and from appointments. As summer rolled in, we canceled vacation plans, and let our life revolve around Heidi's care. We did this willingly and whole-heartedly. That doesn't mean it wasn't still hard, especially for my kids. They spent a lot of time home alone, with not a lot going on. I spent a lot of time with Heidi and at doctor's offices. It was not our dreamed-of after-COVID-19 summer. 

Despite all our dedication, we could not stop the march of cancer and we lost Heidi on July 19. Now we were dealing with deep sorrow, broken hearts, and the details of end of life. To add another wrinkle, I had surgery to have my own ovaries and uterus removed on August 9. So now I'm moving slowly, but recovering pretty quickly. And that brings us to now. Friday, August 13. And summer's over. The kids all start school on Monday. I continue to deal with Heidi's retirement, insurance, estate, etc. The hard and ugly doesn't seem to be letting up. We are all shattered and not sure how to put ourselves back together enough to function. 

We have had sparks of light, though, and I feel like I will probably forget them in our current haze. So I want to record them. There are stars shining through the clouds.

Pricks of light, in no particular order:

My family is amazing. Baldness hit us all at once, even the adult nieces (not pictured). We are not perfect, and we are crazy, but when it came down to the important things, everyone showed up. Everyone helped. Everyone loved on Heidi with fervor and determination. We did a dang amazing job taking care of Heidi. She expressed many times she felt loved and taken care of.  I'm thankful for that.

I'm thankful we are still watching this kid. Even if he eats all my strawberries and raspberries. I am grateful he will be joined by a little brother in a month. I have loved dealing with the immediate needs of a little one. He lives in an immediate space, and it helps my brain to have to join him.

Good friends have kept an eye on us, invited us over, offered to run kids around, and do anything to help. They also understood when I just couldn't deal with people and just offered love. I have some pretty awesome friends I didn't even realize I had.

We didn't manage a big vacation, but we did manage a couple days in McCall. What a love affair we have with this town. I have of course given up getting a good picture of more than one child at a time.

We found the motherload of huckleberries (and mosquitoes). There are even a few still in my freezer that I am hoarding. I think we are going to need a little taste of summer soon.

My kids have continued to grow, have birthdays, and just get more amazing. Sam requested an anti-gravity cake for his birthday and was quite happy with the results. I'm thankful he has pretty straight forward tastes.

My garden has continued to grow. I go out in the morning to pick the day's produce and I go out in the evening to find a little peace. All the plants, just fulfilling the measure of their creation, calms me. My plants bring me joy, a little food, and a peaceful place.

Despite all the turmoil, the kids have continued to grow. Ethan is tanned from being a life guard, Libby is getting even better at guitar, and Grace and Sam are so happy to see friends this summer. They persist in growing, just like my garden, and I am so grateful. 

I am thankful for the balm from the small things, in the midst of the big ugly things.